And the Lord Speaks…

I’m not exactly sure how this will all come out…

my mind is reeling… the movie was good, the kids had a good time, but the entire time, I was still trying to process the events of the last few days…

more specifically, today.

For quite some time, it seems like I’ve just been spinning my wheels — in everything that I do. It’s the old saying, “I handle on life, but then it broke.” I was doing my best to give the handle a quick fix just to keep me going.

On the outside, life is grand. And on the inside? It’s good… but I’ve been different. I can’t say that it’s a good different or a bad different, but it’s been a change. A change in my attitude, my beliefs, etc. In a way, I think God’s been softening my heart. But I’ve thought alot about my purpose and why everything seems to happen at once. I’ve also been struggling with my past. Now, my past isn’t exactly squeaky clean but it’s not something I’m super proud of.

Yes, I’ve over come alot.

Yes, I’m better off now than I was five years ago and even a year ago.

But the present? Something’s still bugging me about the present. My lack of feeling like I’m talking the talk and walking the Christian walk. I feel like I sin everywhere, even though they’re the little sins… (and yes, I know a sin is a sin. But it bothers me.)

Perfect example is taking the Lord’s name in vain. I quit swearing almost a year ago. It was easy. But this? It’s killing me.

I digress.

Since Sunday, the light started to come on. At first it was just a flicker. Over time, it’s gotten brighter. Our Sunday school lesson was about prayer and I walked away hung up on this “perpetual sin” thing that we talked about. Again, those feelings of being an inadequate Christian crept back up.

I have a pretty routine prayer time in the morning. I have a devotion or a Bible Study or two that I work on.

Sunday night, we started our study of Daniel. I can’t put my finger on what it was that moved me, spoke to me, but it was enough that I went out and bought the workbook so that I could continue with the study. I wasn’t supposed to be there and I probably won’t make it back there as I work with the youth on Sundays. Perhaps that was part of it.

Most every morning, my friend forwards me The Spirit of Prophecy Bulletin but here of late, she’s not. Yesterday it appeared in my inbox. And it said

September 18, 2007: This is not a time to crumble under the pressure of your responsibilities. Rather, rise up in faith. Trust Me to enable you to go beyond your physical and emotional limitations to complete the tasks at hand. I will give you extraordinary strength to meet every challenge. Ask Me to stretch your time, and I will do so, says the Lord. I will make a way where there seems to be no way. Rise up and go forth in victory. 2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

It spoke to me. After a little, “Thanks God, I needed that.” I was on my way.

Last night I started Divorce Care. The reason? I don’t know. It was recommended to me, I prayed about it, and felt that it might do me some good. While it is Christian based, it’s not heavily filled with Scripture in the class. But I felt better when I walked out of there. All the crap I went through after my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend was normal. I had a feeling that I “healed” in some wrong ways as well and that was confirmed as well.

This morning, not having to work, I worked again on my quiet time. I skipped the Daniel lesson today so that I wouldn’t get too far ahead. I opted to do the short devotion in my Divorce Care workbook and the lesson in the KAy Arthur study “Lord. Teach Me To Study the Bible in 28 Days” When I was done with those, I didn’t feel satisfied. I didn’t want to work on Daniel. And I remembered that I still had The Purpose Driven Life sitting on my shelf. It’s been there for almost a year now. So I got it out.

When I completed Day One, I had my prayer time. When finished, I opened my email and there was an email from Pastor Man to the Church teasing us about his sermon this weekend. (By teasing, I mean like a news tease… coming up Sunday at 11:30am… kinda thing.”)

In it he said,

Realize that negativity is NOT normal for the Christian. It should be abnormal. God did not create us to be negative! Negativity is a result of sin. We have victory over sin because of what Christ has done for us. II Corinthians 5:17 (NIV) If anyone belongs to Christ, there is a new creation. The old things have gone; everything is made new!

Wow! I needed to hear that… that calmed me about the past. I started over. Praise the Lord!

Right after that, my friend had sent on another Spirit of the Prophecy email and it said:

September 19, 2007: Do not fret about the days before you and what I have given you to do. I have called you and equipped you and sent you. Now rest in My presence as I accomplish My purposes through you. You are My vessel of honor, and all you must do is yield to the moving of My Spirit for destiny to be fulfilled. Do not be afraid or be dismayed, for I am with you, says the Lord. Deuteronomy 31:8 “And the LORD, He is the one who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.”

K, Lord… you’re making yourself loud and clear here!

As I continued about my day and while taking a break from the book shelf assembly I thought more about this “not feeling like a Christian” Like a lightening bolt, it hit me. I’m trying to be a perfect Christian (and that’s a good thing.) Where I’m stumbling in that I don’t seek forgiveness and let it go. I seek the forgiveness.. but I can’t let it go. Perfection doesn’t exist unless your name begins with a J ends in an S and has a ESU in the middle. That’s not me!

What an epiphany for me!

But then…

Something even greater happened…

I said to my friend last week that God’s got a message for everyone but me. I jokingly said that it was as if everyone else’s problems were bigger than mine and that He didn’t have time to deal with me. (And by message I mean that someone came to me and said “Heather, the Lord wanted me to tell you.”– I get other messages all the time.)

The phone rang and I couldn’t get to it. The machine picked up and I heard the voice of one of the ladies at Bible Study.

Prepare yourself for this one.

Heather, I was just calling as the Lord gave me a word for you this morning. He said to tell you “I know what you’re going through. He said it would not last forever and that you are to stay with Him. And He gave me the Scripture James 4:10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. God Bless you Heather. We missed you today.”

I have listened to that message a gazillion and five times. Things are all coming together. The pieces are all starting to fall in place. And I’m okay. I’m really okay.

It’s all clicking.

Something big is on the horizon. I can feel it.

Until next time…

Heather