Maybe that’s what I needed….

It’s nice to sit around and think you know what you need to escape whatever personal hell that you’ve created for yourself.

You can plan.  You can make lists.  You can ramble on and on in an email to someone you hardly know that you met online or your closest, most trusted friend in the whole wide world.  But at the end of the day, the reality of it is, there is just one person who knows what you need.

The funny part about it is that it would be too EASY to tell you what you need.  There is no learning if the answers are just put in front of you.  Sometimes, it just has to happen.  And then?  When it’s all done?  You can look back and wonder…

I’m rambling.  I know.  I’m sure I’m making no sense.

I just dried my tears… not from feeling sorry for myself, or because I’m sad.  But because I watched PS I Love You.  I’ve not cried at a movie in so long.  Maybe that’s what I needed?

The smile on the face of someone I highly respect from church and asking me how I was today… was that what I needed?

The fellowship with my church family whom I’ve not seen much of lately due to softball and oversleeping… could that be what I need?

A day with my son…. no phone, just he and I and the gems and minerals… maybe that’s it?

For weeks, I’ve been searching for what I need to pull me out of this pit.  I’ve been searching for something to make me feel valuable, worth something, needed.  Sometimes I’ve felt like I’ve been grasping at straws and I wish I could tell you what sunk me this low.  I would if I could.  But because I don’t know myself, I can’t share it.  Perhaps getting to the root would be helpful.

I felt better today than I have in a long time.  I think that I can contribute it to spending more time with my kids and with me.  Playing games Friday night with the kids, spending the afternoon with my son, the evening with my kids on Saturday…. fellowship with my church family and old friends tonight before retiring to my room to watch a movie that I wanted to see and not one that everyone else wanted.

Yes, I could attribute this feeling to just getting away from life for a little while… but I know that’s not the right answer.

What I’m positive is that this feeling? It’s temporary.  But it will be here until I decide to go back to Jesus and take up what I laid down… when I decide that He’s not handling it the way that I want Him to.  That’s when it will come back.

But I’m hoping praying that I let it stay with Him.  I don’t want it.  I don’t know what to do with it.  I’ve tried to do something with it and it didn’t work and I’ve seen what happens when I lay it down and walk away.

And I like that.

Alot.

Until next time…