Turning 32 and Falling Apart

I don’t know if I ever actaully talked about my birthday, short of I wasn’t having one.  But I did, indeed, have a birthday.  Two weeks ago, Friday, to be exact.  And I turned 32.

I had random thoughts on that day and when my mother emailed me, I responded.  I think I might have scared her with my response.  But you have to keep in mind, that by that Friday, I was functioning on 16 hours of sleep total for the week and I was delerious.  How I even made it to dinner with the boy and Shelly that night, have a margarita, and make it home to sit and chat and consume another glass of wine (or two) is beyond me.

But I did.

Anywho, the email to my mother… This is the email that I got from her.

Well, I know where I was 32 years ago today.Do you feel older? Hope you are ok and you’ll have a good day. There is a card in the mail. I don’t know if it will get there today or tomorrow. Call you later. Love mom

My mother is a whiz at mailing birthday cards and having them arrive on your birthday.  I don’t know how she does it, but she does.  When I went to check the mail that day, there was my card.  It was funny.  Basically said that even though I’m older, I still don’t do what I’m told, but that they loved me anyway.

Anywho, when I read my mom’s email, I just responded, in my sleep deprived state.

Yes.  I feel old and I’m depressed about it.  Immensely.  I don’t know why, I just feel very old when I verbalize, or type even, “I’m 32.”

I guess it’s really not in saying that I’m 32 but I guess more so because in 9 days I’m going to have a 12 year old, I have a daughter who is wearing a bra and coming home and stating things like “Mom, no one noticed that I was wearing a padded bra today” (which is apparently a good thing, according to her.)  And if I dwell on it, by August, I’m going to have a 10 year old, one who keeps a diary and writes things in it like “I love Caleb”, putting all three of us in the double digits, a 7th grader and a 5th grader.  And I just don’t think that I’ve been around long enough to have those things.

But I guess I am.

Then when I think a little more, I wonder how you must feel.  By August, you’ll have two children in their 30s, 3 grandchildren, two of them in the double digits, and married for almost 31 years.  But I don’t see you or dad as old, not even close.  I don’t see other people who are 32 or 33 or 34 as old. So I don’t know what it is.

Maybe I should just stop thinking about it and enjoy the fact that I’m still alive.  But when I think about that I wonder what Jesus thought when he turned 32.  Wonder if he thought he was old or if he knew that it was his last full year on earth?

Worried about me yet because I actually THINK about these things?  Don’t be.  I’m just old and senile.  I’m 32 now.

That and I’ve been sleeping like a 21 year old and not getting much.  I go back to the doc on the 20th for her to do something with the meds.  I can’t deal with the insomnia anymore and I’m losing feeling in my arm (which I know is not related to the meds, but might as well take care of everything at once and save some money in co-pays.)

Anyway, kids are good.  Not liking being back at school, but they’ll live.  I tell them every morning that they are one day closer to summer break and eventually graduation.  I don’t think it helps them.

Hope everything is going well.  Give my love to John, Liz and the baby, Dad and Grandma.  And more pictures, please.  Liz is a little behind.  I got pics this week of the baby in the hospital. He’s almost two weeks old.  I know he’s changed.

Love you bunches.

Heather

If there was ANY doubt in your mind that my blog is not a reflection of how I am in real life, that email should’ve just cleared it.

As soon as I hit send, I thought that I would worry my mother.  But I guess I didn’t, because I didn’t get a frantic phone call or a response from her that showed she was concerned, which means that she knows I’m just me and is used to it by now.  I would think after 32 years that she would be, but you never know.

Anywho, the part about the arm and the insomnia?  That’s all true too, and as stated in the email, I went to the doctor yesterday.

Now, I’ve been wheat free, gluten free, for the most part since January 1st.  And I have to thank Cathy for that.  Not only is she my WordPress Whiz, but she’s helping me find substitues for things that I love, but can’t have.  (And she has a BLOG about this!!!  Strawberries are Gluten Free. And yes, I should’ve been eating right all along but I wasn’t.

I’ve also been taking vitamins since before Christmas.  And ADHD meds.  And meds for Hypothyroidism.  Basically, shortly before 32, I acquired a pharmacy to carry with me.  I’m almost to the point where I need a pill box.

I’m old.

But, I have had this tingling, numbing feeling in my arm since before Christmas.  Based on family history and knowing that I wasn’t taking vitamins OR eating right, I determined that it was probably a B12 deficiency.  My B12 is always low and it causes loss of feeling for my dad in his foot, who also has a severe B12 deficiency.

(See, I listen Mom.)

So I explained all this to the doc and she gave me a B12 shot yesterday.  If that doesn’t work, then I get a perscription anti-inflamatory and if that doesn’t work, I get a Nerve Conduction Test.  I’m hoping either plan A or plan B work.

And I got more blood work done.

AND she changed my ADHD meds.  So far, so good, with that one. And the numbness isn’t as prevalent today in the arm, so maybe we’re back to being good to go.

But I have to tell you, I liked living in my delusion that I was invincible.

On the flip side?

I feel better knowing that I’m taking care of myself…most days.

There are the other days that I REALLY want to dive into a piece of cake, or bread, or cookie… or pasta… yum.  There are days that I don’t feel like choking down horse pills to make sure that I’m getting my vitamins.  There are days that I want to not take my meds, because I have to make sure that I’m taking them when I’m supposed to, not waiting too late, having a tall glass of water, and making sure that it’s on an empty stomach.

So what about you?  When did you realize that you weren’t invincible?  What do you do to take care of yourself; to ensure that you’re going to be around awhile to annoy the crap out of your children enjoy your loved ones?

And while I’m thinking about it, hop on over and see how I manage my little pharmacy with MedNotes!

Until next time…