Planting Penises is NOT Therapeutic… yet

The darnedest thing happened tonight.  The kids left with their dad, the boy took off to take his kids to the ball field, and I decided that I was going to head to Panera for a caramel latte and to blog and catch up on work.  Having just spent the afternoon taking care of “fatlips” and his loose tooth, I was ready for some R&R.  I wanted that latte.  I wanted to sit there, people watch, write, and work and I found myself with two whole hours of no boy, no kids, no distractions.

Just me, the laptop, and coffee.

So I get in my car, the cursed one, and I head in the direction of Panera.  But I missed the turn and before I knew it, I was pulling into the parking lot of Home Depot.  Now, Home Depot, where I live is right across the street from Lowe’s.  For whatever reason, we always go to Lowe’s.  Habit maybe since Lowe’s was there first?  Maybe because Lowe’s is on the right and it’s easier to make the turn?  I have no idea, but what I know is that we never go to Home Depot.

So there I was.  I perused the plants and I wanted to buy some but I was there looking for pots.  Ok, so I really was there looking to see if they had any decent help me plants.  I’ve purchased a few and I’ve ::gasp:: helped them.

Well, I don’t know that I’ve helped them, but they aren’t dead and most of them have flowers on them already, so that’s helping, right?

Anywho, the boy has shown me how to look for decent plants and since there was a frost Tuesday morning, we figured there might be a few more in the section.  And I’m cheap.  Let’s be real.  This little interest in what the boy likes?  It’s become a little pricey and seeings how I just dropped $100 on the dentist for Fatlips and will be paying that much in a week, a month, two months and three months, I knew that I needed to be frugal with my money.

(No, Dave Ramsey, I did not have the dentist budgeted in there.)

Home Depot didn’t have any help me plants, but they had pots.  And Miracle Grow.  Did you know they make Miracle Grow specifically for blooming annuals?  They do.  And I bought it.  Then I bought bulb food.  Because I have bulbs.  From the Netherlands.  I want to feed them right, ya know?  Take care of them?

And I bought a pot.  And it’s pretty and I just knew it would be perfect for my Switzerland Begonias.  Perfect.  I envisioned the picture that I saw online with the pot that I selected from Home Depot and I was so happy.

And the pot?

El cheapo.

Except.

I don’t think things through.  We all know this.  It’s no secret.  But I’ll get to that in a minute.

After leaving Home Depot, I drove across the street to Lowe’s.  By that time, the boy was on to me that I wasn’t where I said I was and pretty soon, he was at Lowe’s with me.  I had picked out another planter box for the deck, but then?

Oh my gosh, he took me inside.  Did you know they have other garden stuff inside?  They do and he showed me this basket thingy that hangs on the deck.  It’s got the coconut liner in it and it came with the hardware to hang it and everything.

However, purchasing that meant that I needed to shift the plants that I had in the pots already at home.  I was attempting to coordinate all of this in my head and he was just laughing at me the whole time.  He even took pictures of me to prove that I was doing this.  He’s such a goon.  Gorgeous, but goon never the less.

What I couldn’t find was a watering can.  I needed that for the Miracle Grow.  Do you think they had a REAL watering can?  Of course not.  All they had were sissy ones; ones that I would have to traipse up and down the hill to and from the deck like Jack and Jill a gazillion times a night just to water the stupid things.

Now, let’s put all this together.  I can’t remember to water.  I’m not into physical exertion.  If you make me fill up a liter watering can and make a minimum of 5 trips up and down to the deck all summer?  Those plants are NOT going to get watered.  So I needed something for a REAL gardener.  I’m not saying I AM a real gardener, because I can assure you, I am not, however, I want to make the most of my efforts.

The sad part?  They had them a week ago.  The boy had one in the cart but I told him that I didn’t like it so he put it back.  And now?  They are sold out.

Yup, feeling the blood of Murphy coursing through my veins.

I wanted to buy more plants.  Oh, I really did.  I wanted more Daisies… they were on sale.  And then I discovered, or rather, paid attention to the double impatiens… yup, I’m liking those.  They look almost like little roses…

But I didn’t.  Just the planter, another pot, and more potting soil because the boy said we needed it.  I said we didn’t, but turns out he was right.  We needed it.

When we got back to the house I decided that I would tackle transplanting all the plants to their new homes and figure out what to do with those bulbs.  I got the plants in, got the holder hung and got Miracle Grow on all of them.  I used a half gallon jar and by the time I was done, I was spent.  But those bulbs…

Had to finish.  I was a woman on a mission.  Amidst the whining about dirt being under my nails and all over me, and after asking the boy eleventy bajillion questions while he was trying to plant his peppers and tomatoes, I think I got them all in.

But those Begonias?  I’m obsessed with them.  Prior to purchasing THE PERFECT POT for them, I neglected to read how far apart they needed to be planted.  Um…

10-12 inches apart meaning?

Only one was going in the pot.  No big, I thought, I’ll just put the other two in other pots and I’ll get out and get more pots.

Except, I pulled the little bulb thingy out of the bag o dirt, read the handbook that came with it and was royally confused.

I took the bulb down to the boy and said, “Hey hon?  How do I know what’s 1 to 2″ deep?”

He looked up from his own dirt and said, “Your first knuckle.”

“Ok,” I continued as I held out the bulb. “Do I plant the penises up or down?”

Seriously, that’s what they looked like and I didn’t know if that was the bloom or the roots.  The look on his face told me that I caught him off guard, which I guess is someone asked me which direction to plant penises, I would be caught off guard as well.  But, instead of calling me Lorena Bobbitt, he simply said, “The penises go up, honey.”

I headed back up to the carport to continue with my begonias.  I should’ve asked then if he meant the first knuckle from my hand or my finger tip because had he not come up when he did, the penises would’ve been about 4 inches under the dirt, which, apparently wouldn’t be good.

One begonia bulb had two short penises.  That’s the one that I put in THE POT.  Another was just one longer one and one?  No penises at all.  (It just dawned on me that I’m going to get some freaks from the google search engine with this post, but honestly?  I’m having fun saying the word penis.  Blame it on the lack of sex in my life.

Anywho…

Back on track.  After the penises Begonias were planted, I planted the Freesia along the border of what will be my flower bed when the Easy Care Beginners Sun garden arrives from Spring Hill, which, I can assure you will not be soon enough.  There’s nothing but dirt over there and now the bulbs but no flowers which means I’m deathly afraid that I’m going to forget to water them because I can’t see them.  Out of sight, out of mind, right?

But I got it all done.  And they’ve all been fertilized, which means, to me, that they better start shooting up like…tomorrow.  But I know they won’t.  So I’ll try to be patient.

And I need some plant stands.  And mulch.

I really am trying to do this gardening thing and I’m trying to like it.  I really am.  It’s more fun when we’re doing it together, not so much when I’m alone and tonight?  It was too much.  I think it started off as therapeutic, but by the time I was done, I was stressed.  And tired.  Too many trips back and forth to the deck.

“You know the hose comes down here, right?” he asks.

“Not with miracle grow in it.” I retorted.

“So why didn’t you just use the sprayer?”

Yeah, we still haven’t reached the therapeutic stage, but I’m trying.  I definitely need it.

And now I have to ask.  Are mine going to look like this?  My pot is a 15″ pot and it said to plant them 10-12″ apart, so am I got to have three pots of those? Like that?

Hard to imagine penises turning into that…

Until next time…