I Cry Uncle, Now What?

Originally posted May 20, 2008

And so we’re almost done… at least with this little portion of my life… but not done with God showing up to meet me where I am, to take me by the hand, and lead me where he wants me to go.

To catch up… Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4….

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One night, I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I was having an arm wrestling match with God and I gave in. Not that it’s a bad thing… but I said that prayer… and then I told Lisa and then I emailed Pastor Man.

This is what I wrote….

So MySpace isn’t the avenue that I would normally pick for this, but I’m on my laptop and not with my address book…at least I know where to find you….

We talked two weeks ago. In the time since, I have read more of the Bible than I ever have in my life. I’ve been to church; I’ve journaled; I’ve prayed…man have I prayed….

I’ve attended Bible studies and prayer groups. I’ve done well at doing the right thing (I think — and it’s been said that I have by others) — I’ve been working on rghting wrongs, etc. But I never said that prayer…don’t ask me why and Lisa and I have gone over and over why I am “fighting it” and it’s not that I am fighting it — it’s more that I didn’t feel that I needed to.

I’ve asked her questions, and to be honest, I know God has to be in her when working with me because any other human would’ve told me to take a hike by now.

But also in this time I have felt more out of sorts than I have in a long time — I cry at the drop of a hat — like tonight at Deal or No Deal — who cries at Howie?????

I cry for no reason — but here’s the thing Pastor Man — I really have no reason to cry. (well, I do, but I don’t — work with me here….) My bills are paid, I have money, I have my health, I have friends, I have family, I have my children, I have a roof over my head, I have food on my table, I have heat — there are times in my life that I couldn’t say that I had all of those. So….how come I feel that I am lost and alone? Well, I think I figured all this out…and it has to do with that prayer…and I think I’ve been hesitant because I don’t fully understand — I was raised differently in that this “saved” thing isn’t the norm for me…it’s different — and I don’t know what I’m going to do about a church — but here’s what I know….I can’t do this anymore…

Now Lisa says it’s a spiritual struggle and that God is working on me – Great! I need work, but I CAN’T keep going on like this…I feel like God and I are having this arm twisting game and I’m ready to say Mercy! Is that wrong? I don’t know….

So here goes….I’m rambling…I said that prayer. I sat here in my bed, tears in my eyes, and decided that I had nothing to lose — but that I just can’t do this anymore. (You are probably thinking that I am the biggest basketcase…but that’s okay….)

Now, Lisa says I have to go public with it and when she said that I almost said “then i take it back” — see I don’t do public with my inner most thoughts and feelings and that goes for my prayers too…so what does this mean? We don’t do this at the church that I go to…and I’m just so confused about it all. So she says “Tell Pastor Man” — aren’t you the lucky one…..

But I know two things. I can’t go on by myself anymore and I want a relationship with Jesus. I want what you all have.

So I’m rambling with all of this because she said that I should get together with you and make it “public” but I was afraid that I would forget everything that I am feeling at this moment — so you’re getting it in a myspace email.

So now what? Now what do I do? I’ve accepted Jesus Christ into my life and my heart.

Where do I go from here?

Heather

PS. I somewhat had it together tonight and I was reading the last blog entry that you did…the one about the Fear of God – not only was it powerful, but I took it to be a sign — a sign from God. See the only other time I heard about the Fear of God being wisdom was in December. I was at a bar playing trivia in Coloumbia, MO. There was one table that got the question right, but none of us could figure out how anyone got it right seeings how the “Godly” people would’ve been at church and not in a bar on a Wednesday night….

PPS. I am so sorry I ramble… 

I’m still a dork! ☺

On February 15, 2007, I became a Christian. My life hasn’t been the same since.

The story doesn’t end here… because as time has gone on, God’s fingerprints become more and more obvious.

Remember Lisa? The one that was going to be a Biblical coach? Yeah… she decided, or rather, God revealed to her that she wasn’t supposed to be coaching but that she should be writing and has since startedPotty Prayers (you’re just going to have to go check it out to find where it got its name!) and simply His blogger. Aren’t I lucky that for a brief period of time she thought she wanted to be one? Two months after I committed my life to Christ, I finally had the chance to meet Lisa and family and even got to attend church with them. Last November, she traveled to see me share my testimony with my congregation that day that I became a member of the BEST.CHURCH.EVER. I’ve also had the pleasure of being a youth leader and have seen not only several members of our youth come to know Christ, but my own two children as well.

And remember how Matthew was adamant about how he didn’t want to play basketball? If he hadn’t, I would’ve never come in contact with my church. Not ONCE did Samara cheer there.

And one night I asked Matthew why he decided to play after pitching a fit that he didn’t want to. After prying it out of him, he revealed that he didn’t think he could play, but that day in the gym he shot the ball and made a basket. He gained some confidence that maybe he could play. Can’t you see Jesus taking hold of that ball as it left Matthew’s hands and depositing it in the hoop?

Nothin’ but net! Praise God!

I don’t have less problems since becoming a Christian and in some ways I feel as if I’m tested more. But I have a game plan. I have a helper. I am walking side by side with Jesus. And I’m okay.

So, you see, it’s not so ordinary after all. When God’s involved, it’s extraordinary!

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Tomorrow,  I’ll wrap it up with how my life has changed since posting this in May of 2008…

It’s been a great way for me to look back and see where I was… and not want to lose that feeling…

Until next time…